The Baffler , September 28, 2018

Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality Jason Arias

It’s the Real Thing^TM

Before the weak-tummied, beer-loving Kavanaugh took to the national stage to sob about his lift routine, Coca Cola garnered some prime-time ad space compliments of the Senate Judiciary Committee, the value of which could be north of $3 million, according to one estimate. “Coke: The Drink of Fearless Women Swimming, Ceaselessly, Through Men’s Bullshit” ought to play well during Sweeps Week.

The Big Sleep No More?

Ever wanted to spend thirty hours in a coffin? Well, Six Flags will let you do just that—hell, they’ll even throw in three hundred bucks and some season passes. But here’s the twist: the coffin gets cell service, and phone-charging stations will be available.

Vam-pyre of the Vanities ?

If all things go according to plan, the aspiring parasites of New York’s aging haut monde will soon be able to infuse their decaying carcasses with the blood of down-and-out youth, courtesy of hotshot startup Ambrosia Medical. While Ambrosia’s yet to announce prices for their wellness regimen, volunteers paid $8,000 each to participate in the clinical trial, which has led some doctors to decry the immorality of letting the wealthy dole out their hard-earned dough on the false promise of out-and-out vampirism.

In death as in life

The father of a deceased Russian woman opted to honor the memory of his dearly departed daughter with a five-foot iPhone 6 tombstone made of a tasteful polished black stone. It’s unclear if the tombstone will be updated to reflect the arbitrary stylings of subsequent iPhone releases.

Splish splash, I was getting tipsy in the bath

According to Gwyneth Paltrow, that poreless bon vivant and promoter of all things colon cleansing, guzzling a nightcap glass of whiskey in the tub is most certainly the balm for what ails you. But Paltrow—who pegs herself as a “seven-days-a-week drinker”—isn’t knocking back the cheap shit while she steeps in cocktail of glacial marine clay and activated charcoal bath salts. No, she’s sipping on some top-shelf, aged Japanese whiskey, which accumulates high levels ellagic acid, a polyphenol with antioxidant properties that might decrease one’s chances of getting cancer. But, also, be wary of such a happy hour: someone drowns in a bathtub nearly every day in the good ol’ U.S. of A.

A brand in need is a friend indeed

Steak-umm, hocker of frozen meat, has some cutting words for those boomers who would criticize today’s wayward youth, especially those who find solace in the soulless brands that populate the internet.